Thoughts

I would like to be happy, but I cannot be.

I would like to have my own views & opinions, but I cannot.

I would like to talk to people without being scared that they might shout at me or give me a lecture about what they think is right or wrong, but I cannot.

Why can people not accept who I am?

I need to sort out and understand these few problems before and can fully continue on my path. I do feel that these thoughts are what are holding me back and they are a major obstacle.

Toast & Works Christmas Party

Haven't posted for almost a month as there has not been much to report. My meditation has been up and down, but I would say progressing steadily, and I would say I am being more accepting and mindful in my day to day life without realising it. I do feel that I no longer have to think too much about staying calm, happy and relaxed as it now seems to come naturally to me.

Toast
On the 11 December I went with Robert to the monthly get together at All Saints church hall in Penarth. Although we are not part of the church and never go to the services, we do go this once a month as it is somewhere where the children can play and the parents / children can have a decent breakfast - bacon and egg sandwiches, cereal, fruit, etc. and it's all free with a small donation toward the church. This time Bernadette was not up to going so I went on my own with Robert. Normally I would feel uncomfortable about taking Robert on my own and not want to go, but when I got there I used some of my mindfulness and I really enjoyed my time there and chatted to one of the parents.

In the afternoon, at the same church, there was Christmas crafts 2 hours for the children, where the children can make different Christmas themed crafts and listen to a telling of the nativity. This time Bernadette joined us but I would still normally feel uncomfortable about going to the church, especially when the read the nativity and said a prayer. But I used the prayer and story as a meditation and I felt really happy and relaxed after it.

But, my biggest test was yet to come, the Works Christmas Party.

Works Christmas meal @ Studley Castle

My works Christmas meal was at Studley Castle in Studley on 15 December and, originally, I was going to drive up on my own but Matt (a work college) said he would pick me up from Cogan train station so only 2 cars went up. As it was only 6 out of 15 went from my office, 3 in each car. This was going to be an interesting works do as I am now a vegetarian and I don't drink, so I wasn't too sure how I would cope.

We got there for about 6.30, delayed in traffic and after Matt had a quick shower we went down to the bar to meet everyone. It was a free bar, all drinks was paid for by ROK! So Matt asked what I was drinking and after a brief pause I thought, going then I'll have a pint of lager. It took me an hour to drink that one pint and I didn't enjoy it, also by time I finished it we sat down for the meal.  I had a goats cheese encroute, which was very nice, and I avoided drinking the wine on the table.

After the meal there was a disco, which was not very good, only a couple of people bothered to dance, and most people then went to the bar. After my first pint, all I drank all night was a few glasses of coke and an orange juice. It was a very interesting experience staying sober whilst everyone else was slowly getting drunk, some more drunk then others.

By time I went to bed at 1.30 in the morning, I felt very good and pleased with myself that I had the control and will power not to start drinking, even though everyone else around me was. I would say today proved an amazing success on my path to enlightenment and proved I do not need a drink to have a good time and mix with people at social gatherings.

Mindfulness Meditation and cycling

I have been back with Vicki for the past 2 weeks doing level II of the Mindful Space meditation course and I am glad I went back. I thought I have been practising mindfulness but now I realise I have been a bit lapse with it lately. It has also been good to be back with Vicki and to see some friendly faces from the previous course. Since going back I have started feeling happier again and I have been incorporating mindfulness back into my meditations. Look out for a review of the course over the next few weeks. This morning was such a good example of using mindfulness on my journey to work.

Frosty Train Journey

This morning was the first bad frost of the winter, and even though everything outside was frozen, I still decided to cycle into work. Wrapped up warm, with a thick coat, gloves and hat I left my house. During the ride from my house to the station, which is only 2 minutes away, I didn't really notice much as I left the house a bit late and had to rush to the station.

On the train I decided to read a bit more of A Path with Heart by Jack Kornfield to improve my knowledge of mindfulness and Buddhism. Although I was getting adsorbed in Kornfield's views about meditation of the breath, I happen to look up as the train was passing over the viaduct across Porthkerry Park just outside Barry. It was then that I hand an amazing mindful moment. I normally like looking out at this point anyway, as to one side you've got the view across the park and trees and the other side is an amazing view across the Bristol Channel.

I don't normally notice the view that much, I enjoy it but I don't really appreciate it. This morning the sky was what brought it all back. There were clouds in the distance and below the clouds and above the hills of England was an amazing orange sky. There was rain falling in the distance and this gave the sky a more mystical feel to it. Also, the fields were white with a thick layer of frost that gave the park a festive feel. Just wish I had my phone ready to take a photo of the view, but by time I thought about that the train was across the viaduct and the view was blocked by trees and house. For the rest of the journey I continued reading but was determined to be more mindful of my cycle ride from Llantwit Major to my office.

Mindful Cycle Ride

Wrapped up nice and warm, with the crisp, fresh air against my face, I started my 3 mile cycle ride up the country lanes to my office. As I left Llantwit Major the first thing I noticed was the cold air against my face, the only part of me that was exposed to the elements. Normally I would be uncomfortable with this, but using mindfulness I welcomed the experience and explored all the different sensations I felt. After a while I soon forget about the cold and continued my journey.

The next thing I noticed was the crisp, white frost covering all the hedgerows and fields. Also, I noticed how bright the morning sun was, still low in the sky and with a hint of warmth, shining through the gaps in the hedges. I was more noticeable of my shadow as I chased it up the lanes, never quite catching it. Along with glorious blue sky dotted here and there with clouds reminded me that winter was definitely on it's way. But, instead of thinking all the negative aspects of winter, I started to enjoy the feelings and emotions I was getting. The feeling of the cold against my face and the comfort of the warmth from my coat. The feelings of happiness to be able to experience this wonderful morning from on my bike and not inside the car. It made me feel happy to be alive.

I'm also more mindful of the sounds I experience along the way, and I start noticing sounds that I would normally miss. I firstly notice dogs barking from the kennels as I pass them, cars travelling along the road in the distance and the odd sheep bleating in the fields. But this morning I noticed the sounds of my trousers brushing against the bike as I pressed down on the peddles, the sounds of the tyres travelling across the frozen leaves of the lane, the sound of my breath as it was entering and leaving my body. As a result, I thought I would do the rest of the journey mindfully.

As the gradual, uphill climb to my office began, my focus turned from the sights and sounds to my body. I noticed how my breathing was changing, getting quicker and more laboured as my body started exerting against the climb. I noticed how cold the air was entering my body and the warmth of it leaving. I felt all the muscles of my legs straining against the peddles, pushing me closer and closer to my office. I noticed the warmth of my body increasing despite the cold, frosty air. I allowed my self to embrace and welcome all these feelings and slowed my speed to enjoy them even more. I then expanded my experience to take in all the surrounding country side, the sights, sounds and feelings, to such an extent that I almost felt one with the entire world.

Renewed Mindfulness

It has been a few months since I had such a happy, mindful experience cycling to work that I had almost forgotten the feeling of bliss and joy I get from it. Recently, my journeys have simply been a pleasant, and occasionally not so pleasant, ride to work with now joy of the experience of cycling the wonders of the world around me. I feel so invigorated and renewed, I now know that I am on the right journey. I now feel that the next few months are going to reveal something special, that my meditation and the path I following are going to introduce me to more amazing and wonderful experiences.

Christmas Shopping!!!

It's that time of year again. The Christmas lights have been switched on in the centre of Cardiff and are slowly appearing inside and outside of houses, children are starting to get excited about Father Christmas coming, and there is a buzz in the air. Is that buzz a feeling of peace, love and happiness? Of coming together of families and friends to share this special time? Of people putting aside their differences and arguments and making the world, or at least their homes, a better place to be?

No, it's the time when you are bombarded with adverts on TV, radio and magazines for the toys that children can't live without, the perfume that your loved one must have to show that you love her, the new sofa you must buy (delivered in time for Christmas) and the endless list of gadgets and gifts which you must rush out to the shops and buy now! Also, I read a story on the BBC News website this week Christmas toy market faces China crisis! What are parents going to do? There will be so many tears on Christmas day if the children don't have the latest toy, Buzz Lightyear again apparently, because the TV said they must have it and that Christmas will not be Christmas without it. We are obsessed with commercialism and spending money we haven't got, no wonder the world is in the state it's in.

It's also the time when people start asking that question - "Have you done your Christmas shopping yet?" And sometimes you get the proud person saying, "I've done all my Christmas shopping, in fact I bought most of it over the summer." Why do people feel the need to go out and do Christmas Shopping? And why do they have to go out search through all the shops on the high street (and the virtual high street on the big WWW) to try and find that perfect present for their loved ones, friends and family, sometimes resulting in spending too much money to get that perfect gift?

I've got to admit, I have done it in the past and this is the time of year when I normally start worrying (and I am starting to worry) about what can I get people for Christmas, especially my family. And by time Christmas actually arrives I'm so stressed up by the Christmas Shopping and thoughts going through my mind such as "Will they like the gift I bought them?" and "Have I done the right thing?" that I don't really enjoy the holidays and time spent with people I love. If I turned up at my family's house on Christmas day without a gift for any of them, does that mean I love them any less? Would they would think that I don't love them? Would they be appalled that I didn't buy them a gift?

My greatest gift from people to me is not the latest, most expensive, iWhatever or the aftershave set which I might never use, but the thought that they are happy and that they have made the time to come and visit me. Despite all this, I will be getting presents for people this year because it is nice to give gifts and see the happiness it brings them, but I'm going to try and buy (or even get) something from the heart, and not just because it is on sale in a shop.

What is also going to be difficult this Christmas, and it also applies to my 40th birthday next year, is that I don't drink alcohol any more, not even a glass of wine with a meal. People are going to say "Go on, have a drink, it's Christmas" and some may even think I'm strange because I don't drink alcohol. I no longer need alcohol to relax and have a good time. Thanks to my meditation I can be happy without it.

This is something else we are bombarded with on TV. That we must stock up on crates and crates of beer or wine, as well as an excessive amount of food, for the Christmas holidays. It doesn't help when the big supermarkets sell alcohol at greatly reduced prices to encourage people to drink more at Christmas. In my opinion, excessive drinking of alcohol has caused more trouble than necessary. I'm not saying that people shouldn't drink alcohol, I used to appreciate and nice glass of real ale from time to time and I understand the pleasure you can get from it. But a lot of people don't drink alcohol just to enjoy the taste. What I don't like is when people drink alcohol for the sake of drinking, and also with the aim of getting drunk. I've done it and I've never like the end result, me acting stupid and waking up feeling dreadful (the dreaded hangover) and regretting, or not even remembering, the night before.

This year I'm spending Christmas with my wife's parents in North Wales and I feel that my family think that this is wrong and that I should be be staying in Cardiff to spend Christmas with my them. My family can see me and Robert whenever they want to, but because Bernadette's parents are so far away (about a 5 hour drive / train journey) then they don't get to see their only daughter and grandson as often as they would like. Also, they will be on their own this Christmas as some of their family are over in Australia visiting relatives, so it would be nice for them to spend Christmas with their daughter and grandson. Is this wrong?

People may say I'm starting to sound like Scrooge saying "Bah Humbug" to Christmas (thanks Charles Dickens) and they ask me "Where's your Christmas spirit?" (in a bottle?) But far from it. This year especially I want to enjoy Christmas more than ever, I'm just fed up the commercialism and the constant pressure to buy this or do that this Christmas. This year I'm going to use my mediation to really appreciate my time spent with family and friends and, hopefully, fill their Christmas with love and happiness as well.

Tŷ Hafan Christmas Star Appeal

Every Christmas is precious; most will spend the morning opening presents, then watching their favourite Christmas film and of course, veg’ing out with the family! For some children and young people in Wales, who live with life-limiting conditions, every Christmas is made extra special by their families, because quite simply… it could be their last.

Why not do something special this Christmas. Don't go to the shops, instead make a donation today to Tŷ Hafan's Christmas star appeal and send a message of love, support and encouragement to the children and families that Tŷ Hafan will be caring for this Christmas.

Songs of the Soul

What a wonderful day. I took the day off from work to go to the concert and used the time in morning to spend it with my wife and son. It was a nice, relaxing morning with a visit to the school Robert will be going to next year. We then took Robert to nursery and I then spent some quality time with Bernadette, relaxing before my journey to Bristol.

I said goodbye to my wife and left for Bristol at about 3:15. Apart from being stuck in traffic when I got to Bristol, the journey was very pleasent and a good sign for what I was about to experience at the concert. I arrived at St. Georges at about 5, not knowing really what was going to happen. I went in to collect my ticket and noticed people were already there, a few I recognised from the 24 hour track race. There was also free food (vegetarian) on offer so I grabbed a plate of rice and a vegetable dish, which was what I needed after my journey across Bristol.

Charana and Prabhavati arrived at about 6, so I went with Prabhavati for a cup of coffee in the Boston Tea shop just round the corner from the music hall. We took our seats at about 7:15 and quickly people started arriving and it looked like it was a sell out (well, the tickets were free) - OK a full house.

The concert itself was amazing, I can't fully think of enough words to describe what I experienced at the Songs of the Soul in Bristol that evening. What an amazing, wonderful and inspiring concert. The music and singing was filled with so much power and soulfulness that I left the concert renewed, filled with so much peace, love and happiness.

After the concert I stayed for a coffee and a chat and was told there was a group meditation going on in the hall. What an amazing experience this was, to be meditating with so many other people. The amount of love and happiness that was in St. Georges that night was amazing. I didn't leave until gone 11, but I was so relaxed and happy that I had a good journey home.

I would like to thank all the musicians and signer for putting on such a wonderful show and thanks to all the Sri Chinmoy followers for making this concert the success it was.

Flu, Energy and Hotels

It has not been a good 3 weeks since my last post. My energy levels have hit rock bottom and I have had flu-like symptoms for the past 2 1/2 weeks or so. I even missed a day of work because I felt so bad. As a result of my lack of energy I have been struggling with my meditation as well as my day-to-day activities. I think I'm now over the worst of it, just a bit of sinus congestion and that seems to be improving so hopefully I can start getting back on my journey again.

The past 3 weeks have not all been bad, I had a very nice 2 day break, just me and my wife, at the Aviator Hotel in Farnborough right next to the airfield. We both hadn't had a break for a while so we arranged with our son to stay with his 2 great aunts in Tadley, just outside Basingstoke, so we could both have a chance to relax and spend some quality time together. We treated ourselves to a luxury 2 night stay in the Aviator Hotel in their Sky Studio Air suite overlooking the airfield so we could watch the private jets take off and land. It was a very successful short break. We had a wonderful time, the room and hotel was amazing and, most importantly, it gave me chance to spend and enjoy some time with my wife. It done us both the world of good and I even managed to get some meditation in whilst I was there.

I have been catching up on my reading, I'm currently making my way through A Path with Heart by Jack Kornfield, which was recommended reading for the Mindful Space meditation course I went on earlier this year, see my earlier blog post on Mindfulness Meditation. This is proving to be a very thought provoking read and is helping me get back into my meditation and mindful ways.

I'm still meditating every Monday with Charana and Prabhavati and studying the philosophies and Sri Chinmoy. Next Wednesday (10 November 2010) I'm going to Bristol to watch the Songs of the Soul. It is a concert of Sri Chinmoy’s heart-warming, soul-stirring music which has been acclaimed and celebrated by musical giants including Ravi Shankar, Leonard Bernstein and Quincy Jones. Over his lifetime, Sri Chinmoy offered almost 800 concerts around the world, all of them free of charge, in the belief that the inner peace and happiness he sought to convey through his music was everyone's birthright. I shall add a post to my blog with a review of the concert and my thoughts.

I have also singed up for an advanced Mindfulness course, again with Vicki, at Insole Court in Cardiff, after she emailed me asking if I would like to come along to it. As I would like to advance my meditation and I feel I am stuck in a rut with it a bit, I thought it would be very useful to do another course, also it would be good to see Vicki again and have a chat with her about how I'm progressing. Unfortunately I have to miss the first class next Wednesday as it clashes with the Songs of the Soul concert, but I can make it to the rest of the classes.

Noble Eightfold Path

Just an afterthought from my previous post (Impatience, Unhappiness, Superfoods and Facebook), the journey I'm on consists of me following the Noble Eightfold Path:

"The Noble Eightfold Path (Sanskrit: āryāṣṭāṅgamārga) is one of the principal teachings of the Buddha, who described it as the way leading to the cessation of suffering (dukkha) and the achievement of self-awakening. It is used to develop insight into the true nature of phenomena (or reality) and to eradicate greed, hatred, and delusion. The Noble Eightfold Path is the fourth of the Buddha's Four Noble Truths; the first element of the Noble Eightfold Path is, in turn, an understanding of the Four Noble Truths. It is also known as the Middle Path or Middle Way." (quote from Wikipedia)

The Dharma wheel

The Eightfold Path consists of:

1. Right View
2. Right Intention
3. Right Speech
4. Right Action
5. Right Livelihood
6. Right Effort
7. Right Mindfulness
8. Right Concentration

I find that the use of Facebook does not help with following this path as sometimes it can affect me too much and divert my from my true path and feelings. This is why I am refraining from using Facebook until I have got a better grasp and understanding of all these elements. Then, if I return to Facebook, I will be able to post and respond with the right frame of mind.

Impatience, Unhappiness, Superfoods and Facebook

I know my journey would never be easy and fast, but I'm starting to feel impatient that my destination seems a long way away, almost out of reach. One of my major obstacles in reaching Enlightenment is coping with my day to day life and the people I meet. Over the past week I have been finding it difficult to relax and accept what is happening, even my meditation isn't helping and I am struggling with that.

Recently, I have been letting friends, family and strangers upset me too much and this is bringing me down, almost to the point I was at the beginning of the year. I am going to have to be more disciplined when it comes to my meditation, as I have been a bit lapse with it lately and this is probably why I'm feeling so low. I am also not sleeping again and this is making me more tired through the day.

As a result of almost falling asleep in work and wanting to spend the entire weekend in bed, I am trying to overcome my lack of energy by improving my diet and eating more "Superfoods." I have bought a packet of Super-Formula +plus - a 100% natural food supplement consisting of vitamins, minerals and phytonurients. It's ingredients are organic pre-sprouted barley, organic barley grass, organic wheatgrass, Hawaiian spirulana pacifica and organic acerola. When mixed with oat milk (a drink I really enjoy over cereal as an alternative to cow's milk) it makes a horrible looking green drink, but it does actually taste better than what it looks. Lets hope it works.

I have also been posting on Facebook occasionally about how I feel and I also do like to leave comments in response to my 'friends' status updates or posts the leave. This is normally quite fun and relaxing, but as soon as you leave a comment someone disagrees with then it goes from being just a bit of fun to something more serious and even upsetting. I do enjoy posting messages and photos on Facebook and reading comments left by other people, it can also be a nice little tool to find out what's going on and arrange meeting with friends and associates. If used correctly it can be fun and informative. But lately I have felt it has been too much of a distraction along my path (the Noble Eightfold Path) as I  have been letting certain comments upset me too much, so as a result I have now deactivated my account.

Maybe in the future when I am more relaxed and at peace with myself and the world, I might reactivate my account. But at the moment I am having enough trouble coping with the 'real' world and I don't need any more hasle from the 'virtual' world of Facebook. "We can never obtain peace in the outer world until we make peace with ourselves", quote from Dalai Lama, also:

I believe that the very purpose of life is to be happy. From the very core of our being, we desire contentment. In my own limited experience I have found that the more we care for the happiness of others, the greater is our own sense of well-being. Cultivating a close, warmhearted feeling for others automatically puts the mind at ease. It helps remove whatever fears or insecurities we may have and gives us the strength to cope with any obstacles we encounter. It is the principal source of success in life. Since we are not solely material creatures, it is a mistake to place all our hopes for happiness on external development alone. The key is to develop inner peace.

As a result, I am going to focus on receiving happiness and peace when I meditate.

Peace and happiness to you all.
Stephen

Doubts and Uncertainties

The past week has been a strange week. After helping at the Self-Transcendence 24 Hour Track Race last weekend, I was feeling absolutely drained. I should have taken Monday off from work to recover, but I didn't realise I would feel that bad. I started having doubts by midweek as to whether this is the correct path for me and is it actually really making a difference. I was not able to meditate Monday or Tuesday, so this probably didn't help. Towards the end of the week, I was able to start meditating again, both mornings and evenings, and this has renewed my commitment to my journey.

Although I am starting to sleep better at night, I am still feeling very tired in the day time and I am lacking energy. This has been a problem when it comes to meditating, especially at night, as I feel myself falling asleep half way through it. Weekends are the worse for me. All I wanted to do on Saturday was just go back to bed and sleep. Even though I went out with my wife and son in the morning, I still felt very tired and could not enjoy it that much.

I am not going to the doctors again about this, all they seem to do is give you drugs and hope that it will work. I am now going to look at my diet and start eating 'superfoods' and hope that my energy reserves will increase. My main goal is to get back to my running as I think this is what I am missing.

Sunday was a better day. First I went to coffee and play at a St. Andrew's Church in Cardiff, where me and Bernadette can have a coffee and Rob has a selection of toys and games he could play with. He met up with 2 of his friends (twins) and they had a great time. We then went to a local little Café, the Wellfield Diner, for some food, and then on to Roath Park so Robert could have some fun in the playground. We also walked around the park amongst the trees collecting leaves for Robert to take to nursery with him on Monday.

After a wet and cloudy Saturday, the afternoon on Sunday turned out very nice, and spending a few hours in the park was very calming and relaxing. This time of year is wonderful, the trees are changing colour so what better way to spend it then in the park with the two most important people in my life.

After a bad start to the week, it finished on a high, and I feel renewed for what might lay ahead. My journey continues...

Next: Impatience, Unhappiness, Superfoods and Facebook

Self-Transcendence 24 Hour Track Race

Start of my adventure: Penarth, Vale of Glamorgan

Saturday 07:00 - at home in Penarth

It all began on Saturday morning. I was planning to have a lie in as I wanted all the rest I could muster for my own endurance as a counter for the 24 hour race, but I still woke up at about 7 in the morning. So I utilized the time to get some meditation in to prepare myself for the weekend. When my son woke up, about 8ish, I played with him for a few hours then my wife took him to stay with my parents for the night, so I used the opportunity to get a bit of a nap, which I did manage for about an hour. At 12 o'clock midday, just as I woke from my nap, I spared a thought and brief meditation for the runners at Tooting Bec Athletics track just starting their 24 hour race, good luck to them all.

Take the National Express

Saturday 16:00 - at the coach station

Just as the runners were entering their 5th hour into the run, I made my way into Cardiff to catch the bus to London at 5pm, as I was planning to do the midnight to midday shift on Sunday. I popped into Run & Become to have a quick chat with them (most of the staff there are followers of Sri Chinmoy and a few of them are also going to London to help), got a quick sandwich from Gregg's then made my way to the bus station. I said goodbye to my wife, she couldn't come with me as she was working Saturday evening and was busy Sunday, then climbed aboard the National Express to London which left on time. So, a positive start to the journey.

Saturday 17:00 - on the coach to London

It was a beautiful Saturday evening, the runners had reached their 6th hour, and I felt very good about myself and was looking forward to helping at the race, but I was still feeling a bit apprehensive about what it was going to be like. I was also a bit worried about meeting other Sri Chinmoy followers as I had only met a few so far. So I settled into my seat with headphones on to listen to some music to pass the time. I decided to listen to some music by the Police (the group not the men in blue).


Saturday 19:30 - approaching London

As I approached London, I changed my music and listened to some songs by Ananda - peaceful, meditation tunes to prepare myself for the hustle and bustle of London on a Saturday night. At this point, the runners had been on the track for 7 1/2 hours. The journey went by very quick and was improved by the view of the moon rising over London, so as I arrived at Victoria coach station on time (8:20pm) I was very calm and relaxed.

Saturday 21:00 - in London!

Before I caught the tube to Tooting Bec, and the runners were reaching their 10th hour, I was feeling a bit peckish, so I bought a bag of chips from a takeaway just outside Victoria Station before making my way to the underground. Even the tube journey was a pleasant experience so I got to Tooting Bec fully prepared (physically as well as mentally) for my marathon lap recording. I strolled down Tooting Bec Road with my excitement building with each step then I finally reached my desitination, Tooting Bec Athletics Track, earlier than expected at about 9:50pm.

At Tooting Bec Race Track, London

Saturday 22:00 - 10 hours into the race

I entered the stadium as the runners (about 40 of them) were just approaching their 10th hour on the track, and it seemed quite a calm and sedate affair, with occasional cheers coming from the helpers as the runners passed them each lap. I then made my way over to a big marquee sort of thing, with about 10 or 12 people sitting at tables, who I assumed were responsible for recording the lap times of the runners. It was then I saw both Charana and Pabhavati who waved at me to join them. They were both very pleased to see me and the whole atmosphere there was one of happiness and enjoyment, with little or no stress to be seen, considering the race had been going on for almost 10 hours.

After a brief introduction to everyone and a phone call to my wife to say I arrived safely, they asked if I wanted to start logging the times now or go and have a rest first. I thought I might as well start, I could always have a sleep later as I did bring a sleeping bag with me. So Charana explained what was involved, it was very straight forward. Each runner had a number of sheets with the laps and distance on them, and all I had to do was record their time every time they passed the starting line, giving them a shout of encouragement so that they knew I'd seen them. Each helper had 2 or 3 runners to log, so I was given 2 to begin with. So I sat down at a table under a makeshift tent, in Tooting Bec Race track at just before 10 o'clock on Saturday night, ready to log the lap times of runners for the next 14 hours. What had I let myself in for?

Sunday 24:00 - 12 hours into the race (1/2 way)

As the night progressed I started getting into the lap times recording and was beginning to relax and enjoy it. I was getting into the shouts of "Well done. Got-cha. Your doing great" as my allocated runners passed me to let them know I've seen them, logged their time and give a shout of encouragement. The temperature was getting colder, but I had a thick jumper and a warm coat on, and my sleeping bag was wrapped around my legs for added warmth, so I felt quite comfortable. There were other helpers on hand constantly bringing out hot drinks - tea (herbal and normal), coffee and hot chocolate, as well as some simple food - jam, banana or peanut butter sandwiches, which kept us all going through the cold, dark night. Spirits were high and even the runners were smiling every time they passed us, especially as we all made a point to shout out words of support for them. The runners were allowed to walk, run and even take breaks as often and for as long as they wanted, it was quite a relaxed race.

Sunday 04:00 - 16 Hours into the race - change direction!

The hours seemed to pass very quickly, so by 4am I thought I may as well stay until the end, another 8 hours away, as I was on a high from the atmosphere in the tent as well as on the track, or it might have been the amount of caffeine I had consumed. Every 4 hours the competitors did change direction on the track, so went from running clockwise for 4 hours, to anti-clockwise for the next 4 hours, then back to clockwise, and so forth. It was an wonderful experience being at the race track in Tooting at that hour of the morning and it was amazing watching all the athletes who had been running / walking around the track for 16 hours, still with a smile on their faces. It was really inspiring, and that what kept me going through the dark, cold night. One thing I did notice and feel was the sense of calmnes and love amongst all the helpers in the tent with me. None of them moaned about being here, they were here of there own choice and were doing it out of the goodness off there heart and for the love they felt for everything. It is very difficult to put into words what I was feeling, but it was wonderful and made me feel very happy and relaxed, even though I was very tired.

Sunday 06:30 - 18 1/2 hours into the race

As dawn approached and the sky slowly got brighter, everyone realised that the end was in sight and so the excitement and anticipation was escalating. We were all thinking who, and how many, would reach and pass 100 miles, and our cheers of support for all the athletes was getting louder. We were supplied with porridge and apple compote (both helpers and the athletes) at about 7am and then given a full cooked veggie breakfast (for the helpers), which was just what I needed to give me the energy to continue to the end.

Sunday 10:00 - 22 hours into the race

8 o'clock came and went, then 9 am, and 10 o'clock passed. Only 2 hours left to go. Considering how long people had been awake for and how long the runners had been on the track - 22 hours - the atmosphere was still very calm and relaxed. It was then that runners started passing the 100 miles and everyone roared when a runner reached that milestone. 11am came and we all new that the end was very near and the excitement in the stadium was electric. The runners all found reserves of energy to pick up their pace a bit as they were determined to reach there own individual targets. Runners approaching 100 miles were given that extra boost which enabled them to reach and pass it.

Sunday 12:00 - 24 hours

Then as 12 midday approached, 24 hours after all the runners starting, the horn blared out and all the runners collapsed were they stood, with sandbags placed on the track for each runner so their final distance could accurately be measured.

All I can say is what an amazing, wonderful experience, I have never felt anything like this in my life. I had an amazing buzz when I ran London marathon back in 2006 and, although the atmosphere at the marathon was filled with emotion and excitement, this was altogether different. There was an emotion here, but it felt more personal as each athlete on that track had given something extra to compete in and finish the race. We were all absolutely exhausted, especially the runners, but everyone had a smile and their face at the end.

After the race, I helped tidy up, put the tents and equipment away and, just before the results were announced and prizes award, I tucked into a wonderful plate of veggie pasta, and boy did it taste good. The unofficial timing results were announced and 16 runners had ran more than 100 miles, with the winner running just over 129 miles. One runner finished just short of 100 miles, but after the result were checked, he had actually run a distance of 100 miles and 53 yards! Go to the official results web site to see how all the runners got on. Congratulation to all the runners who took part in the race, what an amazing achievement and well done.

What an experience I had over the past 14 hours, my respect goes out to each and every runner for taking part. And the feelings of love, happiness and support for everyone from all the Sri Chinmoy followers was unbelievable, I didn't really appreciate that people could be like this. Although I was feeling absolutely exhausted, I felt an amazing sense of achievement and well-being. I'm going to have to remember these feelings when I'm next having doubt's about myself or I am losing faith.

Sunday 14:00 - 2 hours after the race finished

The journey back home was not as good as coming here, I was very tired and just wanted to get home. The tube journey was fine and gave me chance to relax for 20 minutes. But, due to delays on the M4 and bad weather, it took about 4 hours to reach Cardiff but the amazing feelings a had in Tooting kept me going till I got home.

Have look in the race photo gallery to see all the runners and helpers in action.

Next: Doubts and Uncertainties

Acceptance & 24 Hour Track Race

Acceptance

Why do I always feel the need to be accepted by everyone?

All through my life I've always strived to please other people (friends, work colleagues and family) and do what they think is right, especially when it comes to my family. I've always felt that whatever I do, or don't do, is wrong and they will never be happy and will always criticise me. I've only ever wanted them to be happy with themselves and with me, but I have never been able to achieve this. Is this wrong?

I know my family do love me and they want the best for me, that's why they are always full of advice and suggestion about what I should be doing with my life. I will always listen to them and if their advice is good I will act upon it. But I do have my own life and I want to live it as best as I can my own way, even if I do make mistakes along the way. And sometimes other people may not like the way I'm living my life, but I wish they would just accept it.

Up until now I have never been truly happy with myself or my life. All through my college and university years I felt the need to force myself to fit in with everyone, which included going to night clubs in Cardiff with some of my friends. The clubs were OK but I never really enjoyed the experience of going out to them and simply getting drunk. Since I've left college I still felt I had to fit in with the crowd and do what my peers do. I used to drink alcohol when I went out, visited friends and at home because I felt that was the norm and what was expected of me. It was also how I was brought up to feel it was OK to drink alcohol to excess. I also felt I had to drink to allow myself to relax whenever I went out as I could not have a good time unless I was at least a little bit tipsy. I never used to like the effects of alcohol on the body and I would always feel rotten afterwards.

Now, whenever I visit friends or go to parties at their houses and they offer me a drink, they find it strange when I say I don't drink alcohol at all, not even 1/2 pint of beer or 1 small glass off wine. Why is it that people think it's strange when you say you don't drink alcohol? I'm not going to tell people what they can and cannot do, and I don't think drinking alcohol is a bad thing, as long as it drunk in moderation. But, as a result of the path I'm following, I do not feel the need to have alcohol to relax me and therefore I have chosen not to drink it, as I feel even one drink will have a negative effect on me.

They only person who knows fully about the path I'm following is my wife and she is fully supportive of me and encourages me in every step I take. She is very happy about how it is making me a more calm, relaxed and a nicer person to live with. Also, I have mentioned it to some of my friends and they think it is very good that I'm doing this. I have yet to tell anyone else, especially my family, about the path I'm following as I do feel they will criticise and say I am stupid and wrong for doing this. I don't want to upset them, so not too sure how to go about doing it.

By writing this blog and letting people read it I'm hoping everyone will understand why I'm following this path and what I'm hoping to achieve / have achieved so far. I also want people to understand my true feelings and what I'm currently thinking, and, in doing so, will help them understand me better. I do not want to upset anyone in the process, I just want everyone to be happy. I am open to any questions / comments about what I'm doing, so feel free to leave any comments you want.

Self-Transcendence 24 Hour Track Race

Anyway, I'm off to London tomorrow, Tooting to be precise, to act as a helper for the Self-Transcendence 24 Hour Track Race at Tooting Bec race track, organised by the Sri Chinmoy Athletic Club. It starts at midday on Saturday and finishes midday on Sunday and I will helping as a counter in the second shift from midnight to midday on Sunday. It will be interesting watching and supporting the runners, some of which will have run over 100 miles by time they have finished, some reaching 140 miles or more! It will also be a challenge for me to stay awake that long.

Good night sleep tonight as I'm travelling to London by coach (it's cheaper than the train) at 5pm tomorrow. I will write a report about the race when I get back.

Have a happy and peaceful weekend everyone,

Stephen

Next: Self-Transcendence 24 Hour Track Race

Robert and Cardiff International Pool

Woke up this morning feeling quite good, my sickness had gone and my tummy was feeling better. So my planned outing with Rob to Cardiff's International swimming pool was to go ahead. We did visit the pool yesterday after we went to the White Water centre so Rob could see what it was like, and he liked it and wanted to go swimming today.

All morning Rob was saying he was excited about visiting the pool and, as a result, was going to go there about 12 before we have lunch. The walk from our house, across the new foot bridge that links Penarth to Cardiff, past the Canoe Centre (as Rob calls it) and to the pool was wonderful. Rob didn't stop talking and every so often he would say he was excited.

We arrived at the pool, paid, got changed and entered the fun pool area and it was then I did notice Rob was starting to look a bit worried. So, I thought we should take it easy and not push things too quickly. We went for a little paddle in the shallow end, which he wasn't too sure about and wouldn't sit down, even though I did. At one point he went up to his waist, but didn't stay there long.

We then explored the area a bit more, walking around the pool, carefully avoiding all the splashes and water that was spraying all over the place. One thing he wanted to do was go on the little kiddies slide as he likes slides in the park. We did go up the steps once to it, but he changed his mind so we came back down. After a few more minutes he went back there, queued with the other children ready to go down the slide. There was a sign saying maximum height 1.1 meters, but I did see another dad go down the slide with his son, so I thought it would be OK for me to go down with Robert.

Big mistake! The slide was faster than I thought and I let go of Robert and we both went down the slide. Firstly Rob entered the little pool at the bottom then I followed, creating what looked like a small tidal wave. Rob went under the water and my wave went over him. Then he screamed, he was not happy with that at all. Later on, I did ask him what he didn't like about the slide and he said he did not like the water going in his mouth and eyes.

I carried him away from the slide and took him to quiet area to let him calm down. He eventually did stop crying, but all he kept saying was "I don't like the pool" and "I want to go home". So, after a few minutes of this we went back to the changing area to dry ourself's off and get ready to come home. As we were drying ourself's I noticed blood on his towel, but thankfully it was from me and not him, I hit both my elbows on the edge of the slide as I was coming down!

We then went to cafeteria to try and have something to eat, but by this point Rob was still unhappy and he was also getting very tired. So, we came home so that both of us could have a nap.

I have now got a huge bruise forming on my left elbow where I banged it on the slide, but thankfully my right elbow has stopped bleeding and will not leave much of a scar. The kiddies slide is not designed for adults!

On a positive note, when he woke up the experience did not scare him too much as he did say he wants to go swimming again, just not on the slide. So, I might take him again, not this weekend as I'm busy but possible the following weekend.

Next: Acceptance & 24 Hour Track Race

More ups and downs, but making progress

This week has been an interesting week. My meditation with Charana and Prabhavati went very well on Monday and my understanding of the teachings and ways of Sri Chinmoy has took a good step forward. I'm getting close to finishing Sri Chinmoy's Beyond Within and it has been a very amazing and informative read. It is starting to help me really appreciate and enjoy the world I live in.

Tuesday I went to the doctors to let them know that I will not be taking any more drugs (poisons) to help with my relaxation and sleeplessness. I feel that my mediations and the spiritual path I'm following is doing me far more good then anything the doctor can prescribe, it just takes a bit longer to achieve the end results.

Friday was an amazing day, spiritually. I woke up to a lovely autumn morning. The sun was shining and the sky was an wonderful blue colour with not a cloud in view. My cycle ride from Llantwit Major train station to my office was absolutely amazing and inspiring. The colours in the hedgerows along the country lanes and the blue of the sky was very vivid, I've never experienced anything like this before. I slowed my speed to absorb as much of it as I could. I even stopped where there was a good view over the countryside to take it all in (meditate on it). I stayed there for about 5 minutes and it made me feel very good, it's a wonderful way to start the day. I recommend that more people should do this as it is a good way to relax and make you appreciate everything that's here. It's days like this that make me feel very happy, relaxed and good to be alive. I will also use this feeling to help me in my meditations and also cope with stresses and worries in my day to day life.

Saturday was not so good, woke up in the morning with a very bad stomach, a headache and was very sick, I also had bad diarrhoea later on in the day. My stomach is still feeling delicate as I write this. It was either the Chinese take away I had the night before or it's a stomach bug I picked up. Just completed 30 minutes mediation though and that has made me feel better, spiritually if not physically. Still managed to have a wonderful day with my son, as his smiles and laughter seems to be a cure for all known illnesses, well it takes my mind of them anyway. We had a lovely work across to the new Cardiff International White Water centre, as both me and Rob love watching the Kayaks and rafts going along the course, followed by visit to the coffee shop for a herbal tea for me, a milkshake for my son and some toast and jam for us to share. Rob also likes having a giant cookie with Smarties as a treat. Hopefully tomorrow, if I feel better, I will be taking Rob for his first swim in Cardiff's international pool.

All said and done, despite my dodgy tummy, I am feeling very good, happy and relaxed. Let my journey continue...

Next: Robert and Cardiff International Pool

Ups & Downs, Sleeplessness, Anger, Alcohol and Eating Meat

This week has been a strange week. I know my journey will not be easy and I will not reach my goal overnight, even not in this life time. But it is still difficult and frustrating.

I am still meditating every day, once in the morning when I first get up, normally around 6am and then before bed about 10.30ish. I am struggling to have good meditations this week as I have been feeling very tired, especially at night. This isn't helped by the fact that I am a very restless person and I have trouble sleeping at night.

I have changed my diet over the past few months to help with my relaxation and sleep. About 3 months ago I gave up alcohol and I haven't touched a drop since. I use to have a glass or 2 of whisky or some beer when I got home from work to help me relax, but I still didn't sleep any better as a result and I used to just wake up with a headache. I have also come realise that alcohol was just poisoning my system and was obstructing my meditation and reaching enlightenment.

Next, about a month ago, I gave up eating meat and fish as I feel this was adding to my anger. I felt that by eating meet I was absorbing the stress and unhappiness of the animal which it felt just before it was killed, simply so I could have a beef burger or a sausage. Quorn sausages, burgers and mince does make a good alternative.

Today has been one of my worst in a long time. I have been feeling very tired all weekend and when I tried to go have a few extra hours this morning I was disturbed and my anger got the better of me. I snapped at my wife, did not feel like playing with my son and just felt very unhappy. I have been to the doctors about me not sleeping and all they done was prescribe my some antidepressants to help me relax and sleep at night. All that achieved, because of the side effects, was to make me more angry and unhappy. I stopped taking the tablets a few weeks ago and I am going back to the doctors on Tuesday to let them know that I do not want to take anything that will pollute my system. I am not feeling depressed anymore as a result of my mediation and I do not need to take any pills for depression.

All said and done, since I have given up drinking alcohol and eating meat, my general feeling of well-being has increased and I have never felt happier. This week, and especially today, has just been a blip, and after meditating just now I have manage to sedate my anger. My sleep problems I am determined to solve more naturally and will not be taking drugs again.

Next week is going to be a better week, but here and now I am going to be happy.

Next: More ups and downs, but making progress

Buddhism and Sri Chinmoy

May - September 2010

As my meditation progressed and improved during the mindfulness meditation course, I was interested in taking my meditation further and exploring new ways of meditating. I instantly thought of Buddhism and started reading about this and the life of Buddha. I also bought a A Simple Path by the Dalai Lama to read up on his teachings about Buddhism.

Reading about the life and philosophies of the Buddha was extraordinary and made me realise that maybe this is what I have been searching for all my life. The whole concept behind Buddhism, the peace, loving-kindness and acceptance of everyone no matter what race, creed or religion was what I have been striving for. Having been brought up a Christian, firstly Church in Wales and then Catholic, I found this too restrictive and a lot of so called Christians I've met who do go to church do not necessarily practice what they preach. Also, too many wars have been fought in the name of religion and I was getting fed up with it.

Buddhism I discovered was different. It is all about peace, acceptance and non-violence. So towards the end of my meditation course with Vicki, I went in search of another meditation group to join, something to allow me to take my meditation that one step closer to enlightenment. It's during my search I came across a little card in Halcyon Daze on Wellfield Road, Cardiff advertising this free meditation group in the Temple of Peace in Cardiff. My wife suggested I go along to try it out and that's where I fist met Charana who was giving talks about Sri Chinmoy and meditation. This new path began for me on 10th May, 2010 on a Monday night.

This was a more spiritual path and form of meditation than I was use to and thought that maybe it was not for me. But I went back for a few more weeks, listened to more of his talks and started practising this form of meditation. As the weeks progressed I started getting a greater sense of peace and joy from meditation. I have now been reading a couple of books by Sri Chimnoy about his philosophies, teachings and his meditation techniques and it has been quite inspiring. I did not realise I could have this much love and happiness in my life, but as a result of the meditation I am now enjoying my life.

Sri Chinmoy, who sadly passed away in October 2007, was an Indian spiritual teacher and philosopher who emigrated to the U.S. in 1964. His teachings emphasize love for God, daily meditation on the heart, service to the world, and religious tolerance (a view that "all faiths" are essentially divine) (quote from Wikipedia). This is very similar to the Buddhism philosphy about tolerance and acceptance, also peace and love towards all things.

For proof of how far I progressed, at the end of August I went and stayed with my wife's parents and normally I feel so uncomfortable staying with them and I tended to isolate myself from them. This time it was different. I actually felt happy, calm and relaxed and really enjoyed my time with them. My wife's mother even commented to her how different I was, that I seemed more happy and joined in with them more. Normally when I visit them I can't wait to leave and come home, but this time I was upset that I had to come home. So, there is something in this meditation that is helping me.

I have now been going to the group on a Monday, meditating on Sri Chinmoy with Charana (my teacher) and his wife Prabhavati. I still have a long way to go, but what an experience I've had so far. I have also had my downs as well us my ups, sometimes doubting if the meditation is worth it and if it is actually making a difference, and I'm still finding it difficult putting everything I've learnt so far into practice. It takes a lot of commitment to continue with the meditation, but I now have a goal and sense of purpose, so I can ride out the bad days as I know they will improve.

Now you're up to date with my progress so far, I will try and add regular posts to keep you informed on how I'm progressing.

Peace, love and happiness to you all,

Stephen

Next: Ups & Downs, Sleeplessness, Anger, Alcohol and Eating Meat

Mindfulness Meditation

January - May 2010

As I said, off I went on Wednesday night to my first Mindfulness Meditation class not knowing what to expect. It was quite a relaxed group with a handful of people from all walks of life with a variety of different problems and, like me, a bit sceptical. The course consisted of the teacher introducing us to mindfulness, what it is and how it would help us in our day to day lives. We only done about 15 / 20 minutes worth of meditation but it was good talking to people about my problems and listening to them. Once the class finished she encouraged us to meditate for about 5 minutes a day for at least 5 days.

After the first class I did feel there might be something in this and I thought I'd give it a go. So, I meditated every day for at least 10 minutes and I did feel something, but still did not know what. I explained what was happening to the teacher and the other students and they encouraged me to keep it going. Each class consisted off learning about different areas of mindfulness and encouraging us to increase our meditation from 5 minutes up to about 30 minutes. Vicki also taught different types of meditation, including walking and standing, as well as sitting meditation. She also told us how to be mindful of all situations in day to day life.

After the first 4 weeks, on my 39th birthday, my wife said that she noticed how relaxed I was becoming and that I was not shouting at at her as often as I used too. In fact she was beginning to enjoy my company again. So we both agreed that I should finish the course, which consisted of another 6 classes, and see how I get on.

By the end of the 10 weeks, I felt like I was a new person. My meditation had increased to about 20 to 30 minutes every day, sometimes twice a day, and I was able to cope with my day to day life, at home and in work. I had stopped getting angry at my wife and was again enjoying spending time with her and my son. I was also enjoying seeing the world in new way using mindfulness. It was amazing.

After reading a couple of books on mindfulness, Full Catastrophe Living: How to Cope with Stress, Pain and Illness Using Mindfulness Meditation by John Kabat-Zinn and The Mindful Way Through Depression by Mark Williams, John Teasdale, Zindel Segal and Jon Kabat-Zinn. I wanted to take this further.

So, after the Easter break, I went back for a second course with the same teacher at the same place. This time it was a proper 6 weeks course and pushed us more to do longer and more intense meditations, which was just what I wanted. By the end of the course I was meditating more at home, in the morning when I first wake up and at night before bed, and was more mindful of everything.

During this course I had bought a little folding bike to start cycling into work and to improve my fitness, I was also beginning not to enjoy driving as I was finding it too stressful. I got a folding bike (see picture above) because I needed to catch a train to work as it is just too far to cycle from Penarth to Llantwit Major, and a folding bike seemed the best option as I can fit it in a car if I needed a lift, as well as on the train. Whilst cycling down some of the country lanes outside Llantwit Major to my office, which consisted of a farm and lovely green hedgerows, I was beginning to notice how wonderful everything was and how vibrant the colours were. This helped me relax even more and I used this as a form of meditation.

Once the course finished at the end of May 2010, both myself and my wife were amazed by the change in me. I was a much happier and relaxed person, I was able to enjoy everything I do and my anger had all but gone. If I did feel myself snapping, I was able to control it and not get so angry. I would recommend mindfulness meditation to anyone who want to control there anger or overcome depression. It can even be used to help control and overcome physical pain as well.

Once the course finished at the end of May 2010, both myself and my wife were amazed by the change in me. I was a much happier and relaxed person, I was able to enjoy everything I do and my anger had all but gone. If I did feel myself snapping, I was able to control it and not get so angry. I would recommend mindfulness meditation to anyone who want to control their anger or overcome depression. It can even be used to help control and overcome physical pain as well.

Next, Buddhism and Sri Chinmoy.

The start of my journey

Welcome everyone to my incredible journey on a path that will hopefully make me understand more about what I was placed on this earth to do and who I really am.

January 2010

It all started about a month before my 39th birthday in January, 2010. Up until then I was not certain what I really wanted from life or who I actually was. I was getting angry and frustrated with myself and was taking this out on other people, especially my wife and son. I was becoming very angry, very, very depressed and was not enjoying life at all. It had reached a stage where I had to sort this problem out or, well, I do not want to imagine what the alternative would be.

My first solution was to go to the docs to get some tablets to calm me down and help me sleep, but this would be my last resort as I preferred to solve this using more natural methods rather than polluting my body with poisons. I did try herbal remedies but they did not help.

Then, at the start of January 2010, my wife discovered a website offering courses in Mindfulness Meditation. I was very dubious and sceptical, but after a few emails to the teacher, Vicki, about the course I convinced myself to go along and try it out. It was a drop in course where you paid on the night so I didn't have to commit myself to anything. So off I went on the Wednesday night, 20th January, to Insole Court in Cardiff with an open mind and not too sure what to expect.

Next: Mindfulness Meditation